Come on, folks. Nobody really cares about your birthday.

I know some people who get all kinds of excited about their birthday and how everyone around them needs to bow down and kiss the kingly ring of their birthday wishes. Those people need to screw off right now.

The only person who really cares about your birthday is your mother, who was intimately involved with the process of of your zero birthday year. Other than that, people only care about your birthday in the hopes that you care about theirs. It’s a circle-fest of birthday wishes.

Just go out and plant a tree or help an old lady across the street. Make that your birthday. A treeoldladybirthday.