I hate saying goodbye on the phone. Freaking hate it.

There’s always, and I mean always, this awkward silence on both ends, where each person is making sure the other isn’t about to say something else. It’s a micro-second, but it feels like a period of eleventy billion years to me.

Then I shuffle through all the socially acceptable goodbye grunts and noises in my mind, such as bye, see you later, talk soon, toodles, farewell, peace out, smell you later…and it just devolves into a cesspool of my own awkward.

I usually just end up pausing for two long seconds until I scream IM LEAVING NOW and then club my phone with my fat thumb to end the call. Then I curl into a ball and sob for a while. Then go back to eating ice cream and watching Jerry Springer.