Do any guys ever worry about the toilet seat slamming down onto the toilet while they’re peeing standing up? Standing up as in what guys normally do. So I’ve heard.

If I were a guy, I’d be terrified of that. Then the lid would hit the pee stream and spray it everywhere and then I’d be on my hands and knees scrubbing the floor because pee.

I’d imagine I’m smelling it for weeks after, even though I bleached the floor and practically burned through the top layer of flooring just to get it sanitized.

Then I’d have to sell the home (in this fantasy, I own a home—don’t worry about it) and move out of the neighborhood because of the shame. Then, in my new home, I’d irrationally hold in my pee until I die or burst like a neon yellow balloon from all the Capri Suns and tofu soups I’ve been drinking lately.

So, anyway…I worry about things.