The first time I saw a video of a woman using that tool to pee standing up, I knew it’s all over. Society, what’s normal, up, down, gravity…over. A new world order has cropped up, and the portal to satan’s butthole has opened up, sucking up everything good and holy like an overpriced vacuum that I might or might not have purchased from a pushy door-to-door salesman, despite the warning from my roommate.

It’s like one of those plastic funnels that you kinda jam in there and aim properly. I don’t know. The video has a privacy curtain from the waist down, so I don’t know details. Probably best I don’t.

If I were honest, I’m tempted to try one, but I think I’d have a panic reaction and think that I’m peeing all over myself, whether or not I know the reality that it’ll flow away from me.

This is complicated. I’ll leave this one to the guys. Take the W, gentlemen. You can pee standing up without a portal to satan’s butthole.