I want a monkey.

I feel like I’m perfectly suited to be one of those irresponsible people who owns an illegal, exotic pet. I just haven’t decided which one I want. Or how to keep it. Or feed it. Details.

I feel like it wouldn’t be truly exotic unless it could kill me. Bonus points if it could kill me and also eat me. For example, a cobra could stop my heart by pumping me full of gross snake spit (aka venom), but it couldn’t eat me.

A baby rhino – same thing. Wouldn’t even want to eat me. Wise choice. I’m not plants.

So, that leaves like tigers or kimono dragons or some shit. I don’t know how to locate either of them, and this is already sounding like too much work, so I’m over it.

Being irresponsible is exhausting.