Has anyone ever seen those commercials where that dough boy is walking around the table, encouraging humans to eat his own kind?

First of all…that’s messed up. That’s like a chicken dancing around with a top hat, asking people if they’re hungry for some nuggets with sweet and sour sauce. Great, now I’m hungry too.

As a kid, I was always afraid that the next roll of doughy biscuits I opened up would be the one, where I’d find those googly eyes and chef’s hat floating around in there. He probably died of suffocation in there, since the company wasn’t nice enough to give him air holes. Fascists.

Anyway, my point is, don’t eat biscuits. Think of the dough boys. Eat English muffins instead. The British don’t really like them. That’s all a deep state lie, so there’s plenty extra.