I love it when people say things like “well, just lose five pounds.”

How about you go lose a punching match with a wood chipper?

It’s so flippant, like, hey, anyone can do it. You just eat slightly less ice cream and limit your sodas to a few a week. Or how about I stop breathing for an hour.

If I could do that, I’d have the self-discipline to be more successful in life instead of blogging about legitimate literary discussion dog farts and celebrity moles.

(Celebrities who have moles, not that the moles themselves are celebrities. Society hasn’t downgraded that far.)