So far this month, I’ve tried pumpkin pie, rhubarb pie, sweet potato bread pudding, and carrot cake. Why are there so many goddamn vegetables in desserts these days?

Also, pay no attention to the volume of desserts I’ve eaten in one month. Move along.

Call me a purist, but I just want some fruit flavored sugar. Just ball up a wad of pure, ultra-processed sugar, and syringe in a few drops of apple juice, and I’m good to go.

If you find me unconscious on the floor, assume it’s from happiness and not a sugar-induced coma. I’m not in right now. Please leave a message.