I feel like whenever we’re talking about oatmeal, we should call it porridge.

My reason being: eating oatmeal should make a person sad, because it is sad. It’s like if you could distill my breakup in college with Bobby Smith into a flavor, oatmeal would be it. And frankly, porridge is the saddest version of its name I can think of.

England has it right. I think England already calls it porridge, so they’re ahead of the game. Let’s not borrow any other food names, though. Bangers and mash take things a little too far. Bunch of perverts.