Forget elves who make cookies and shoes. All I want is an elf who will go out and scrape my car windshield for me in the winter.

That way, I can keep my lazy ass indoors where it’s warm and sip my Godiva hot chocolate while thinking about all the peasants I’ll chuckle at while sitting on my luxurious yacht. I may even feast on that fancy caviar, the kind that comes from sturgeon who have only been force-fed Lucky Charms since birth.

Or maybe I’ll just go out and scrape my own car.