I don’t know what it is, but for some reason, every year or two, my mattress develops a crater where my ass goes, no matter how new the mattresses is.

I know what you’re thinking, lay off the Doritos. But that’s not the case! At least, I don’t think it is.

Maybe it’s not that I have a big ass. Maybe it’s because my ass is so heavy, in comparison to my other body parts. Or that it has an anti magnetic personality.

Either way, somebody needs to bring me a new mattress.